Boundaries can be defined as the limits we set with other people…
… which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. The ability to know our boundaries generally comes from a healthy sense of self-worth or valuing yourself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings they have toward you.
Unlike self-esteem, self-worth is finding intrinsic value in who you are, so that you can be aware of your Intellectual, emotional, and physical boundaries, and those of others.
Knowing our boundaries and setting them are two very different hurdles to overcome. Setting boundaries does not always come easily. It’s often a skill that needs to be learned.
Here are four tips to help you improve boundaries in your life.
- Know your limits.
Clearly define what your intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries are with strangers, work colleagues, friends, family, and intimate partners. Examine past experiences where you felt discomfort, anger, resentment or frustration with an individual. It may have been because your limits had been crossed. Create a ‘Boundary Chart’ which outlines each boundary per each relationship category and fill it in with the boundary criteria you feel comfortable and safe with, and vice versa .
By creating this sort of template you have a benchmark to assess when someone may be overstepping your boundaries. Your boundary criteria will evolve over time, so be sure to continuously update your chart with your growing experience and resulting needs. - Be assertive.
Creating and stating boundaries is great, but it’s the follow-through that counts. The only way to truly alert others that your boundaries have been crossed is to be direct with them. Being assertive, particularly if you are unaccustomed to doing so, can be scary. So start small with something manageable and build up your assertive skill to larger tasks like these:
• Did the waitress get your order wrong? Ask her for what you actually ordered.
• Did the cashier overcharge you? Ask for a correction to be made.
• Is a work colleague pushing his or her work onto you? Remind them that it isn’t within your scope, you are busy with your own work, and direct them to someone who will be of better service.
• Did a friend do something to hurt you? Ask them to meet you for lunch and explain why their words or actions hurt you. - Practice makes perfect.
When you first start acting assertively, it can feel uncomfortable. But affirming your boundaries means that you value yourself, your needs, and your feelings more than the thoughts and opinions of others. Being assertive does not mean that you are unkind, it only means that you are being fair and honest with them (and, thus, kind to them in the long run), while maintaining your peace, dignity, and self-respect.
After all, not informing someone that they have crossed a line only leads to resentment on your end and confusion on theirs. The only way to set better boundaries is by practicing how to tell someone that they’ve crossed yours. - If all else fails, create space from the person. Delete and ignore.
Voice your boundaries first, then follow with action. As long as you have tied up loose ends and given family members/friends/ex-partners or whoever it may be closure from any promises you may have made, you no longer owe them anything. If you have asserted yourself and made it clear to another person that he or she is not respecting your boundaries, it is okay to ignore correspondence from that point forward. Remind yourself of your own worth, and that no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or take your self-defined space away from you.
